33 weeks pregnant.. wow beyond thankful so have made it this far, there have been some hiccups…. between stress and a few scares I am just grateful to still be pregnant with this little girl.
Why I’m so thankful…
My hubby and I have been having marital problems for quite a while now. We separated last august until October, in the middle of October he asked to come home, and wanted to work on our marriage. I let him.. and them by Halloween I was pregnant.
By the middle of November he was already asking me again for a trial separation. On December 11, after a counseling session the night before. I was fed up, he had been sleeping on the couch for 3 weeks by this point, so I asked his to love me or leave me, he left.
A week after he left I filed for divorce. I put my game face on and was ready to deal with the divorce and my pregnancy, alone.
Things that kept me sane as I grew a baby and enjoyed the ups and downs of pregnancy alone was looking at names. I settled upon Shaelynn if it was a girl and Kellan James (KJ) if it was a boy. And I decided that at my 20 week ultrasound I was going to find out the sex of the baby, it became something I needed to know. Previously the hubby and I had decided to not find since it was our third and we had one of each already so truly didn’t care either way.
Fast-forward to today… we are working on our marriage, but it has not been an easy road.
2.5 months ago we began the process of rebuilding our marriage, it was slow. We started with sunday dinners, and then added Tuesday dinners, and that was essentially how for we got into rebuilding. I am due the end of june and I had asked him to come back home sometime in May to get the kids settled and us adjusted before the baby came. He told me he couldn’t, and therefore was not going to be staying with me the first few weeks after she came, I was going to have to depend on friends and family since he could not step up.
Well on Mothers day at 32 weeks, we had a scare and little miss almost came. All worked out and I was sent home, but this time on modified bed rest. I asked him to come home to help me, since I no longer felt comfortable alone, he told me initially he couldn’t. I couldn’t believe he told me no, and so I explained that if that was true and I had to move in with my parents because my husband couldn’t step up and take care of his wife and baby, I was done trying to fix our marriage, because he clearly couldn’t put our marriage first.
Begrudgingly he came home to help me. He still acts like a guest, and I cannot force his comfort. We are still in counseling and at a session I asked twice what he needs to help his transition, I am usual got no answer. And of course I was never asked what I needed, he is going with that since he is with us physically that that should be enough.
Yes physically I have the help and he makes sure I’m comfortable at night. Emotionally I could not feel more empty. We are glorified roommates. There is no intimacy, and I’m not even referring to sex. At night I give him his space so I go to bed around the time the kids do so that he can be alone downstairs. It was something in therapy he said was nice. That he got some alone time. We don’t hug, kiss, or even touch. We sleep in the same bed but as usual the ince between us might as well be a mile. We only have contact if I reach out. As I get through my bed rest I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed. It is quite hard on a person to be taken care of by your husband who would rather not be home. I can still feel him one foot out the door.
I cry in the shower, or during the day while I’m alone.