Just get through

33 weeks pregnant.. wow beyond thankful so have made it this far, there have been some hiccups…. between stress and a few scares I am just grateful to still be pregnant with this little girl.

Why I’m so thankful…

My hubby and I have been having marital problems for quite a while now. We separated last august until October, in the middle of October he asked to come home, and wanted to work on our marriage. I let him.. and them by Halloween I was pregnant.

By the middle of November he was already asking me again for a trial separation. On December 11, after a counseling session the night before. I was fed up, he had been sleeping on the couch for 3 weeks by this point, so I asked his to love me or leave me, he left.

A week after he left I filed for divorce. I put my game face on and was ready to deal with the divorce and my pregnancy, alone.

Things that kept me sane as I grew a baby and enjoyed the ups and downs of pregnancy alone was looking at names. I settled upon Shaelynn if it was a girl and Kellan James (KJ) if it was a boy. And I decided that at my 20 week ultrasound I was going to find out the sex of the baby, it became something I needed to know. Previously the hubby and I had decided to not find since it was our third and we had one of each already so truly didn’t care either way.

Fast-forward to today… we are working on our marriage, but it has not been an easy road.

2.5 months ago we began the process of rebuilding our marriage, it was slow. We started with sunday dinners, and then added Tuesday dinners, and that was essentially how for we got into rebuilding. I am due the end of june and I had asked him to come back home sometime in May to get the kids settled and us adjusted before the baby came. He told me he couldn’t, and therefore was not going to be staying with me the first few weeks after she came, I was going to have to depend on friends and family since he could not step up.

Well on Mothers day at 32 weeks, we had a scare and little miss almost came. All worked out and I was sent home, but this time on modified bed rest. I asked him to come home to help me, since I no longer felt comfortable alone, he told me initially he couldn’t. I couldn’t believe he told me no, and so I explained that if that was true and I had to move in with my parents because my husband couldn’t step up and take care of his wife and baby, I was done trying to fix our marriage, because he clearly couldn’t put our marriage first.

Begrudgingly he came home to help me. He still acts like a guest, and I cannot force his comfort. We are still in counseling and at a session I asked twice what he needs to help his transition, I am usual got no answer. And of course I was never asked what I needed, he is going with that since he is with us physically that that should be enough.

Yes physically I have the help and he makes sure I’m comfortable at night. Emotionally I could not feel more empty. We are glorified roommates. There is no intimacy, and I’m not even referring to sex. At night I give him his space so I go to bed around the time the kids do so that he can be alone downstairs. It was something in therapy he said was nice. That he got some alone time. We don’t hug, kiss, or even touch. We sleep in the same bed but as usual the ince between us might as well be a mile. We only have contact if I reach out. As I get through my bed rest I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed. It is quite hard on a person to be taken care of by your husband who would rather not be home. I can still feel him one foot out the door.

I cry in the shower, or during the day while I’m alone.

 

 

 

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Be careful what you wish for

I have prayed for a third baby for over two years and now I am 12 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby, and I am beyond happy and know I am blessed.

But…

M and I have been struggling in our marriage. He hasn’t been himself in over a year. We did a separation starting in August because he couldnt find his love for me and we were both drowning in unhappiness. He left, and I became happy  on my own. I went from feeling like a helpless stay at home mom to a full time working mom who figured things out and became independent.

Beginning in October M started to come around and wanted to try marriage again. He begged, and made numerous efforts to prove he was serious. Finally, still being in love with him I told him let’s save our marriage. 

He moved back home October 11th, we had one slip where protection wasn’t used and I told him and he was like it’s okay. 

Fast forward to 10/31 positive hpt 

Then in November he starts pulling away tells me he isn’t happy, he can’t try anymore and he wants a trial separation again. I tell him if he leaves I am filing. At this point I’m 9 weeks pregnant. 

We go to therapy sessions trying to figure things out. However he just gave up. He stopped coming to bed, never told me he loved me and all physical contact stopped.

12/14 we got to therapy I get told he lost his love “file” he can’t try anymore.

12/15 I ask him in the morning for a decision, I can’t go to therapy and be told I’m not loved then come home and co exist. He tells me fine I’ll pack up my shit and leave. He was gone that night. 

He has been gone 4 days with no remorse, no apologies and no inclination that he is coming back. 

So I sit here 12 weeks pregnant with my third baby alone figuring out my divorce. 

What gets me through it all!😍👶🏼

   
 

3000?!?!

5 weeks woo-hoo week 4 always makes me nervous because of possibility of chemical pregnancy and I’m out of month one! 

  
No belly yet and I’m ok with that… It will come soon enough

So my doctor called with my results

Hcg:3000+ at 4w6d and progesterone: 17.5

I have never been in the 1000 during either of my other 2 pregnancies where blood was drawn so I was shocked. I know every pregnancy is different but I was just as far along with my son and it was 213. 

I have to take prometrium, my doctor treats anything under 20, so 2 pills a day until end of first trimester. 

Praying I ovulated early and it’s not twins 😝 which caused my 3000+ hcg level.

A short and sweet post since I have parent teacher conferences. 

I cannot express the calm and happiness I get when I think of being pregnant, I’m in love and I love it!!

Xoxo

Week 4 summary 

How far along… 4 weeks 6 days

Total weight gain/loss… Neither

Maternity clothes…not yet, but it’s baby #3 so will happen sooner rather then later

Stretchmarks…nope

Best moment this week…getting my positive HPT😍😝

Food cravings or adversions… Not yet

Started to show…nope

Weekly wisdom…to breathe and not worry about previous miscarriages and enjoy

Milestones…getting hcg and progesterone blood draw



Me and the kiddos (hubby present not pictures) downtown for family pics    
 

Nerves kicked in

I called my doctor today to set up my ‘I got a positive hpt appointment’ also known as the 8week scan and I was asked how many pregnancies including miscarriages and the number startles me but it’s 5. Then they ask live births and I said 2, it seems surreal I’m on pregnancy number 5…

I’ve had two different types of miscarriages a missed miscarriage and a blighted ovum. 

I am now cautious to get to excited about this baby because the disappoint of seeing no baby or heartbeat with my blighted ovum was awful. With my missed miscarriage I was measuring small (2 weeks) behind; baby measured 6 weeks had heartbeat, 2 weeks later baby was gone.

And yes I have two healthy children, but my son (my second) was a trouble maker, he came at 27weeks and scared everyone shitless.

So as I wait to hear back from my doctors nurse to answer the 100 questions, set up blood work and see when my 8 week scan will occur I am hopeful this will work out but I have a nagging fear that won’t go away… 

Talked to nurse blood test set up for Wednesday and Friday to test hcg and progesterone and then December 3 is the big day… 9 week ultrasound Cannot wait 💓

Deep breathes

Xoxo

Trick and a treat

Yesterday was Halloween and the kiddos looked adorable  

 
We live in the Midwest and so to avoid the rain we went to the mall and when it was only misting we ventured outdoors, they had a blast. 

I realize I havent updated since March and much has happened but I am choosing to not go back and fill in the space. If it comes out in time ok; but I won’t commit an entire post to the past. There are many bad memories, hurt feelings and moments of loneliness that don’t need to be brought up, I had my therapist and friends.😉🍷

I have found peace and my marriage is finally back on track, for which I am extremely grateful. 

Now the biggest treat of all yesterday was  

 
A BFP!!! I am beyond thrilled and nervous for baby #3, but  feeling blessed that I get to be pregnant again. 

Xoxo 

Girls bestfriend

image

Went for a run with my girl Willa. Beautiful day and much needed run to clear my head. Still not in good place with M, I slept in the loft and like a good girl, miss willa slept right with me. At least she cuddles with me. My legs are sore from 2 days running outside, but at least I’m that much closer to my strong, healthy self.
And this morning after sleeping in loft I told M things need to change.
I looked up my rights as a stay at home mom last night, I was in that place. I know the first step would be separation and living apart for a while, but I am being pushed to far.
I can’t keep begging for attention, feeling so desperate for love. I am at thr point where I am jealous of my kids, for the attention and love they get from M, how fucked up is that.
Our marriage is becoming exhausting,  and I don’t know if I’ll ever get what I need from him.
I’m the one that was hurt yet I’m the one desperately trying to fix it, and I’m sure he is tired of my tears and so am I.  But even my tears don’t evoke change out of him.

a letter

Its written for M.

Since talking just seems like to much.

Here goes-

You say it all started in October when I brought up having a third baby. We both stood on opposite sides. Me wanting another and you not. I conceded, and went back on birth control.

Even though you got your way you still became numb to our life and began questioning everything. I felt lost but figured out that I loved my family, and you. I wanted you to be happy so I let go as best I could with wanting a third.

And what did I get in return. A husband who treated me meanly, lied and had what can only be described as an emotional affair

While trying to figure out everything after you told me the truth and along the way compromising myself. I wanted to lay into you, but felt I would only lose you more. Feeling along with you actions because I didn’t want people to think badly of you. So alone I dealt, which is isolating.

Then the possibility of being pregnant was a hope and happiness that I needed. It made me feel that we could be ok, that I could be ok. Somehow it made the situation more manageable. That contentment was short lived. And filled me with just more sadness.

I try talking to you about my sadness and that my late period made me realize I can’t let go of a third baby again. You stood there and just said well my mind still hasn’t changed. Not caring about my sadness. You wouldn’t even have discussion again, you just blamed the discussion on why everything happened, for your downward spiral.

I lost again. This time I can’t move on because of your actions. I’m sure you are thinking so the only way for us to be ok is to have a third baby? Well why the fuck not!
You should be doing everything in your power to make me happy, to fix what you broke.

However I wouldn’t want to bring a baby into this world knowing its father really didn’t want them.

Maybe one day we will be happy again in our marriage. I pray for my sadness and longing to go away, but it hasn’t. I am just left more broken.

now to decide if he reads it or not.

two wrongs

I sat at the kitchen table thinking about what I wanted to talk to M about. He asked what was wrong and so I explained that the possibility of being pregnant and my period being late really made me realize that I still want a third baby.
He stares at me almost smug like and says “well you know my opinion hasn’t changed” meaning he won’t even discuss or think about having a third. Then he tells me that he thinks this was the start of our issues, we had the initial conversation in October. And October went the same way, I said I did, he said he didn’t so I went on the pill, well kinda. I told him I was on the pill but haven’t taken it since October.

I’m pissed. So in October you got your way, well kind of. But you still came home and told me that you felt numb with life, and that you were questioning everything. Then comes your downward spiral you have dinner with H, meet up with her at a bar, and so on.

I lost twice. I lost my third baby, and I lost trust and you shook the foundation of our marriage.

So now what. Nothing has changed. I’m the one that is even more at a loss, and since we are still the same how do I know you won’t become bored again and numb to our life and seek excitement else where and next time do more damage.

When I was late and possibly pregnant it was hope and happiness that I needed, it was a comfort to think I could be pregnant especially after what I endured with M. But to have all that taken and to know that he won’t even consider a third just makes this all the harder. I am mad at him for what he did with H, and mad that he is still not even considering a third, especially when he knows how bad I want another baby.

So fuck him, I am not starting the pill and will just see what happens. And If I become pregnant will say pill must not have worked this month.

Yes I know I am wrong, but I am backed into a corner I feel. It is fight or flight. I am fighting back with not taking the pill behind his back, instead of flight which I take to mean moving on and coping with not having a third baby.

two wrongs can make a right, a baby in my case.

3 months or bust

I have decided that I will go on the pill for 3 months. yes sounds stupid, and I suppose we could go back to condoms. Will make final decision after I talk to M tomorrow.

I’m not up for it tonight, plus going out for a friends birthday, I wish he was coming with me but invite was last minute and couldn’t find sitter.

why I am ok with waiting 3 months:

1) to avoid a holiday due date. I really don’t want to be due around thanksgiving and then possibly Christmas.
2) we are actively looking at cars, and in the near future going to trade in our 2002 Saturn for an newer used car. We would have a small car payment so would like to see how all that plays out.
3) Give M time to digest and come to terms that I am not giving up on third baby and that I want this to happen.
4) I won’t have a newborn smack in the middle of flu season.
5) M gets a raise in April so will give us better insight in financial situation
6) In April two medical bills are paid off, amazing
7) Gives us time to work on marriage and enjoy our family
8) I can work on myself, and make sure I am having third baby for the right reason, but I don’t think their is one better then what I feel
My family does not feel complete yet.